Solitude is my Solitaire

I have had an epiphany. My new life has been leading up to this, but I have been putting up mental barriers against the very idea. The thought has been uncomfortable for me!

Aloneness. Quietness. Non-busy-ness. Peaceful solitude. That precious gem whose value I have only just realised, that I place above all else in my new life.

I may sound as if I am like Greta Garbo. I would never announce to the world that I want to be alone. So at this point , before I expound the blissful virtues of solitude, I stress that having an overabundance of gems diminishes their very value. One needs balance in life. A diamond solitaire, to me, is a great deal more special than a treasure chest (try and imagine) full of diamonds that blind your vision and overwhelm your senses.

I would find it difficult to open my heart to love that treasure chest so wastefully overflowing with diamonds. I mean love as in its purest, most innocent, unconditional sense.

A single precious diamond, however, can be gazed into, and each facet appreciated with its unique reflections of light and colour.

Gazing into that diamond, solitude and I become one. My stillness becomes the essence of me, and love fills my soul. This openness and clarity of mind for me, is still a little difficult to grasp. I need to “work” for it. I must find that exact balance between setting my scene and mentally focussing. Then just as that beautiful combination connects, my trick is to unfocus. I put my mind into that blissful “staring into a pattern” mode, where peripheral thoughts and ideas are welcomed with love.

This new love of mine, aloneness, has a purpose behind it – writing.

My first 50 chapters of life were full of day to day “busyness”. I raised 3 beautiful children, of whom I am so proud. Each of them is gifted and successful in their individual ways. They are young adults with attributes that fill me with deep admiration and love. I did enjoy that part of life. There were always so many activities to attend with children’s school, sport and social lives, as well as my own work, sport and social life. I flourished with non-stop socialising, dining out, partying, laughter with the girls, and quite a few nasty hangovers. Oh well, when you are young, you bounce back fairly quickly.

I was busy, but there were a few wafty, vague niggles in the back of my mind. In those days I did not know what those niggles were. When my children were young, I was still young. Youth was all about packing in as much as possible. In fact, I needed to, because apart from all those heady experiences and excitement, I needed to also establish myself in the adult world of planning for the future.
These are the very experiences that start layering one upon the other in the human core.

No experience is forgotten or left out of this core. Our minds may forget, but our soul never does. No interaction is ever wasted, either. There is no refuse. All are compacted into one’s inner self, some layers being thicker and stronger than others. Some layers are squashed down so thinly that they almost don’t exist.

The magic that happens within produces the truly unique, flawed yet perfect human soul.

My quest is that of an explorer, or miner. My layers are still growing steadily with different materials. I think I am now ready to bury that pick into my soul and gently crack the surface.

Sitting in silence, using my formula of focussing/non-fucussing, I begin to find the rough edges of that diamond just becoming visible.

Solitude is my solitaire.

Gems do not however, just appear in their full glorious final shape while buried deep within.

This is my learning. The epiphany of sudden awareness of the existence of that which is beautiful and precious without and within.

I create 2 concentric circles – peaceful quietness without and lovingly searching into the layers for my hidden treasure within.